The Weekly 101

There are certain things people say on first dates that let you know right away that it’s not going to work out. Here are 101 of them, in no particular order of date-ending-ness.

1. “It’s where my hands aren’t that you should really be worried about.”

2. “Where can I hang my fursuit?”

3. “If I were a Klansman, would I tell you that I was a Klansman?”

4. “After dinner I was thinking we could have a Blossom marathon in my Blossom room.”

5. “You down with the clown?”

6. “You’d be surprised how long a cat can survive without its legs.”

7. “They encourage you to eat the placemat.”

8. “People call me infantile, but my mother calls me adorable.”

9. “I want to meet your parents.  Right.  Now.”

10. “My parents are dead.  Whoops, I misspoke; your parents are dead.”

11. “When the waiter comes by, I’ll show you my suplex.”

12. “You know, if you like this movie, you’ll love Delgo.”

13. “I don’t see marriage in my future, as I am already married to the sea.”

14. “I used to have so many more fingers, but my neighbor must have narced on my

stash.”

15. “Oh, so just because I’m racist, I’m Hitler all of a sudden?”

16. “Do you like my umbrella? It’s made of Jew’s skin.”

17. “I know this restaurant isn’t technically a buffet, but I’d like to see them stop me once I make it into the kitchen.”

18. “I’ve actually already seen this one, so if it’s okay, I’m just going to watch your face as you watch the movie.”

19. “I would just feel more comfortable if we carried out the entirety of the date via ICQ.”

20. “I’m definitely more of a dog person, if only because cats are so picky about the brands of peanut butter they’ll go after.”

21. “I’m not going to call you.  You will be contacted.”

22. “I guess I was just expecting you to wear something a little more… elven.”

23. “Are those your only breasts?”

24. “Let’s go back to my place.  I’m sorry, our place.”

25. “If I start to have a seizure tonight, it’s because the date’s going well.”

26. “The guys at work call me ‘Rain Man.’  I think it’s because I watch Rain Man over and over again.”

27. “Oh, I love to laugh!  That’s what the nitrous tank is for.”

28. “My bones may be brittle, but my heart is twice as large as it’s supposed to be.”

29. “Yes I’m talking into an earpiece!  No I wasn’t talking to you just then!”

30. “Lice: Got ‘em?  Want ‘em?”

31. “Princeton penitentiary.  Where did you think I meant?”

32. “I don’t work at the morgue, I just sleep there.”

33. “People say that there’s more than one way to skin a cat, but why change what

works?”

34. “Don’t worry, I’ll be a lot more fun once the MDMA kicks in.”

35. “I’m not usually like this, which is to say, clothed.”

36. “When it comes to music, I like anything but country, or songs made by black

people.”

37. “Frankly, I don’t know why you would ask me where I came from if you didn’t want

to see a pastel drawing I did of my mother’s vagina.”

38. “I just think it’s so screwed up that gay marriage has been legalized, but it’s illegal

to travel to China, kidnap a child from a crowded market, smuggle him back to the

States in your carry-on baggage, and then use him as an unpaid servant until his 18th

birthday.”

39. “Hey, do you think you could pick up the bill? Things have been a little tight ever

since I liquidated my assets to spread the word about the Rapture.”

40. “It’s funny that you mention Donald Trump, because he’s my ex-husband.” 

41. “Oh, it’s just very mild herpes, the kind that goes away if you’re patient.”

42. “I don’t have a ‘job’ so much as a ‘quest for vengeance.’”

43. “You know Steve Buscemi?  I’m his dad.”

44. “I created YouTube.  Sorry, not YouTube, Spankwire.”

45. “I believe that children are our future.  Sorry, not children, Spankwire.”

46. “It’s really more fun if we both pick at it.”

47. “Most people don’t find dogfighting to be ‘films’ in the artistic sense of the word,

but we’re working to change that.”

48. “I’d ask if you had room for dessert, but by the looks of things you clearly do.”

49. “My menstrual cycle has evolved to the point where I am basically at risk of spraying

vaginal blood like a lawn sprinkler at at any moment in time…whoop, there it goes

now.”

50. “Actually, my wife is okay with me dating, and so are my other two wives, and also

most of my husbands.”

51. “So, what’re we thinking tonight, base-wise?”

52. “I had a lovely time.  Can I grope you goodnight?”

53. “You smell like you’re ovulating.  Perfect.”

54. “Do you think you’d ever want kids?  Because I know a guy.”

55. “Next.”

56. “It’s interesting that you say that about Tennyson, because I think that poetry is

totally gay.”

57. “I have a really good relationship with my sister. I mean a really. Good.

Relationship.”

58. “This is going to sound crazy, but MAHULAGABA RAGOOOOOOOMALALALALAL

SHABEEBEBEEBEBEBEBEEE SHABEEEEEE POOPOOPOPOPOPOPOPOOOPOOOOOOOOO

FLIZZZZZZZ SHEEP PEOPLE SHEEP PEOPLE SHEEP PEOPLE SHEEP PEOPLE.”

59. “And this is my court-ordered chaperone, Lucas.”

60. Will you excuse me? I have to go Tweet my dick at some bitches.”

61. “Marvin Gaye is good for setting the mood, and you can never go wrong with Barry

White; but I find that when I need to put on a record during love-making, nothing really

gets me going like Nixon talking about how much he hates the Jews.”

62. “I’m not gay or anything, but I did get gonorrhea from having sex with a man last

weekend.”

63. “Hey baby, that dress looks good on you, but it would look even better crumpled in

a heap on my floor, splattered with your blood.”

64. “Excuse me, this is a work call. [Answers phone] Yeah, that’s 25 for a handjob, 50 

for a blowie, 100 all the way your choice.”

65. “Yeah, ‘Maude’ is pretty embarrassing, but it’s not as bad as my middle name:

‘Hitlerson’.”

66. “Oh, don’t worry about it, I’ll pick up the tab.  It’s nothing compared to my mounting

dog fight gambling debts.”

67. “If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me in a court of law?”

68. “I love you.  Sorry, not you, Spankwire.”

69. “How much do you want to bet I’ll score with our waitress?”

70. “You ever been martyred?  Want to?”

71. “I dream of a day when guys like me don’t have to stalk someone like you for six

weeks just to have enough to talk about on their first date.”

72. “I live every day like it’s my last, so don’t be surprised if the cops surround the

building in a few minutes.”

73. “This is my MedicAlert bracelet, this is my court-ordered electronic anklet, and this

is an RFID ear tag from the Gorilla Foundation.”

74. “Ever been with a man with no penis?  You won’t even know what you’re missing.

 Well, you will.”

75. “My religious beliefs forbid me from using contraceptives, except for barbed
condoms.”

76. “You know what they say: ‘Boys will be boys.’  I therefore refuse to apologize for
shooting you in the eye with a slingshot.”

77. “I’m so horny right now.  Not for sex or anything, though.  Just, you know.”

78. “I’m pregnant.  It’s yours. Ugh, blind dates are always so awkward.”

79. “Who’s your favorite Baldwin?  Mine’s Stephen, but I think there’s a case to be made
for William, too. Don’t worry, I brought charts.”

80. “Oh, shoot, I gotta run home and grab something.  It’ll only take a second, since I
live in the alley behind the restaurant.”

81. “That’s interesting that your brother is special-needs, because I do a really good
impression of a retarded person.”

82. “Anyway, the judge ruled that it was bestiality, and who am I to argue with a judge?”

83. “I don’t identify as a ‘Republican’ or ‘Democrat’ so much as I identify with Pol Pot.”

84. “I don’t mean to freak you out, but I did Google your name and look at your
Facebook before this date. I also jizzed on your pillow.”

85. “It’s just really refreshing to be going on a date that doesn’t end with Chris Hansen
appearing from behind the refrigerator and asking me to take a seat.”

86. “I love you, but like a brother.  Don’t worry, I fuck my brother.”

87. “Black people: Don’t love ‘em.”

88. “I’m like the Mark McGwire of domestic abuse.”

89. “I’ve got a childlike sense of wonder, and also, a childlike sense of personal
boundaries.”

90. “Let’s take things slow: Hoooooooooooooooowwwwwww
wwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssss yyyyyyyyyyooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrr
dddddaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy?”

91. “My favorite movie is probably Silence of the Lambs, though I do think
they could have done a more accurate job re-creating my basement.”

92. “People who say that all artists are starving because all they can afford is Ramen

noodles have obviously not checked the price of dog food lately.”

93. “Oh, I’m sorry, did we say that we weren’t going to masturbate during dinner?”

94. “If you’re lucky, we can go back to my place and play a little game I like to call ‘Genital Wart or Ingrown Pubic Lice?”

95. “I’ve used every birthday wish since 1998 asking God to bring back Lilith Fair.”

96. “LARPing is just what some guys do when they can’t get erections in other ways.”

97. “Want a hit of this?  It’s jenkem.”

98. “Gimme a sec, gotta do my evening heil.”

99. “This is my favorite Arby’s; you wouldn’t believe some of the shit I’ve done in the bathroom here.”

100. “Oh, I’m a paralegal.  The clown make-up’s for my job as an escort.”

101. “Could you get any fatter?  That’s not rhetorical, it’s a request.”