The Weekly 101

Sunday Afternoon On The Campus Of UC-Davis. Originally posted by...

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 23:08:21 -0500

Sunday Afternoon On The Campus Of UC-Davis.

Originally posted by a Facebook account called “Black Dynamite.”

Hey, did any tech websites go hands-on with the Droid Bionic...

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 09:37:15 -0400

Hey, did any tech websites go hands-on with the Droid Bionic around 8:45 this morning?

Netflix PR: We Didn’t Want To Talk To You Anyway

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 09:34:27 -0400

Netflix PR: We Didn’t Want To Talk To You Anyway

101 Ways to Beat the Summer Heat

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 23:27:25 -0400

As the earth drifts closer and closer to the sun with each passing year, the heat in the summer can get to be pretty unbearable. Luckily, there are alternatives to taking your own life right then and there, among them these 101 new and exciting ways to stay cool this summer.

1. If you drive to work, consider starting your car and turning on the AC right before you go to bed at night. When you wake up in the morning, your car’s interior will be nice and cool.

2. Create a thin breadstick in a U-shape. Freeze it, and then wear it around your neck like a collar.

3. Your hands are well-known insulators, trapping warmth and heat in your body. Chop them off.

4. Fill a kiddy pool with anti-freeze. Then, freeze it. The massive amounts of cold put out by your freezer as it attempts this impossible task will cool the whole atmosphere.

5. Sunscreen can prevent overheating, especially if you eat it like pudding.

6. Dogs don’t seem to mind the heat! What’s their secret? It’s their magical tongues, of course! Take them for your own.

7. Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.

8. Shoot the sun, source of all heat. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE: SHOOT THE SUN.

9. Walk into the ocean and just keep going, man

10. Heat is generated by movement and vibration, so paralyze your muscles with the venom of the pufferfish. Not too much, though, or you’ll stop your heart!

11. Dip your clothes for the next day in water and put them in the freezer before you go to bed. This will make them impossible to put on, forcing you to be naked all day.

12. Listen to Foreigner’s “Cold As Ice” on repeat.

13. Listen to M.O.P.’s “Cold As Ice” on repeat.

14. Freeze! Everybody clap your hands!

15. Tape dry ice to your nipples and just chill out.

16. Siphon as much of your own blood as you’re comfortable with, put it in the fridge overnight, and then reintroduce it into your body. I’m pretty sure that’s what athletes do!

17. Crawl under a big rock and live there forever.

18. Slather up with SPF 225. It melts plastic, sure, but the heat can’t penetrate it!

19. Pack a picnic lunch and find a shady grove. Leave the lunch there, and a hungry forest-elf will soon creep out to investigate. Trap her, and she’ll grant your wish to cool off!

20. Shave off extraneous layers of skin with a hand planer.

21. Eat only frozen TV dinners, while they’re still frozen.

22. Be my ex-girlfriend Jenny Miller, who is nothing if not cold.

23. Go through a surgical procedure to replace your genitals with ice cubes.

24. Live in Greenland.

25. Get in a knife fight with a much more skilled knife fighter than yourself. Hospitals are notoriously well-cooled.

26. Shoot up a shit-load of frozen heroin.

27. Jump aboard the whole “not-wearing-a-trench-coat-everywhere-you-go” craze that people seem to be love nowadays.

28. Position your office desk right in front of the office AC. Bring a sword to work to fight off complaining co-workers.

29. Drink an ice cold Miller Lite (Slot No. 29 has been brought to you by ice cold Miller Lite).

30. Stop lighting your house on fire all the time.

31. While swimming in the neighborhood pool can cool you off, the water in your local sewers is actually much colder, as it is completely underground.

32. Shave off all the hair on your head, face, arms, legs, chest, back, ass, groin, and grundle.

33. Receive a blood transfusion from a cold-blooded reptile.

34. Freeze all the cash you generally carry overnight for a cooling rumpus sensation when you put your wallet in your pocket in the morning.

35. When you go to the beach, ask the lifeguard if there’s a VIP Ice Beach you can access.

36. Consider cheap indoor activities like bowling, roller skating, and autoerotic asphyxiation.

37. Wear a hat. Ew, not that hat. No, not that hat either. Don’t you have any other hats? Okay don’t wear a hat.

38. Make sure you wear clothes that breathe, and make sure you understand that the phrase “clothes that breathe” does not refer to clothes made of living animals.

39. Ice cream enemas.

40. If you’ve got a big ol’ ass and legs that just won’t quit, how about hiking that skirt on up just a little bit?

41. Make love to an eskimo.

42. What are you complaining about? You’re Santa Claus, remember? It’s crazy that you keep forgetting a thing like that.

43. Craft a mighty frozen cathedral and declare yourself Ice Pope.

44. Pee yourself. It’s warm at first, but then it’s nice and cold!

45. Drink Slurpees too fast until your brain is frozen forever.

46. Spend more time than you usually would with rapper and actor Ice Cube.

47. Get an air conditioner. You don’t have to turn it on or anything, it’s just nice to have.

48. Wear a lot of linen. Layers upon layers of linen. Suffocate yourself in linen.

49. Ice cream douche.

50. Swap out your colon for a refrigerator compressor.

52. Face off in a hand-to-hand death match against Sub Zero, and neither block, jump, nor attack.

53. In order to be cool, start a company worth a million dollars. Actually, a company that is worth a billion dollars is cooler than a million dollars. I heard that somewhere.

54. Get a cartoonish ice cream cone tattooed on your face.

55. Putting ice cubes into drinks has been shown to cool down one’s body temperature upon ingestion.

56. Untilt the earth’s axis, ending seasons forever.

57. Bring about Ragnarök, thereby killing the Norse gods and allowing Frost Giants to reign on earth unopposed.

58. Only wear, look at, think about, and perceive the color blue.

59. Do something strenuous to work up a sweat, then drink the sweat. Repeat.

60. Anoint yourself with whatever the hell’s inside ice packs.

61. Obtain a job as an ice cream salesmen in a dangerous neighborhood, eat all the ice cream yourself, claim you were carjacked at gunpoint. Quit.

62. All that furniture in your house is just eating up heat. Throw it all away. What, are you too good to eat off the floor?

63. Remember to replace the air filter on your AC once every 7 to 8 minutes, taking time off work to do so if necessary.

64. Rig your thermostat to read twenty degrees cooler than it actually is. “What do you mean it’s hot in here, honey? It’s 58 degrees!”

65. If you’re living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, join a roving street gang that doesn’t wield flaming torches as a method of intimidation.

66. Members of the Lakota tribe chew the bark of the sugaroak to cool off, but that’s pretty fucking gross, so I don’t know what to tell you.

67. Douse yourself in the cold kind of napalm.

68. Use your child as a heatsink. Don’t have a child? I’ve said it before: I know a guy.

69. Build a Shuddering Shed and go shudder in there.

70. Build a Huddling Hovel and go huddle in there.

71. Join Texas governor Rick Perry in prayer for rain.

72. Lube your whole body up to reduce overall friction. Every little bit helps!

73. Hire neighborhood children to blow on you all day.

74. Listen to a playlist of chillwave on repeat.

75. Increase your carbon footprint dramatically to hasten the onset of the impending ice age.

76. Build a monument to the 2005 film ‘Crash,’ in the hopes that snow will fall at an unusual time of year.

77. Bury your head into the ground like a flamingo, especially if you are Nancy Grace.

78. Undo the top button on your collared shirt when wearing a tie. The top two buttons are also acceptable in some work environments. You can even get away with three in…Just take your damn shirt off.

79. Replace the storage area of your apartment with a walk-in meat locker. Do you want to drain the blood out of murdered prostitutes back there? Sure, go ahead, drain the blood out of murdered prostitutes back there, I don’t care.

80. Participate in a water balloon fight with the local children, and try not to pull out your hunting knife this time.

81. Freeze a small water bottle overnight, and then smash your neighbor over the head with it and steal his air conditioner.

82. Do that drug that makes you really cold. Which drug is that again? Aw, who cares, it’s probably fuckin’ expensive anyway.

83. KY Cooling Gel: Not just for smelly old swingers at Bonnaroo anymore.

84. Did you know that alcohol actually lowers your body temperature? Be as drunk as you can at every moment, especially during the afternoon when it’s hottest.

85. Snap into a frozen Slim Jim. Your lack of teeth means less insulation of the face.

86. Pop a hydrant. Spend the whole day trying futilely to fight the water to crawl into the hole to become the Hydrant Emperor.

87. Slow ride. Take it easy. Slow ride, take it easy.

88. Hire someone to continually lay slip-and-slide in front of you as you slip-and-slide to your daily errands.

89. The black body law says that black objects absorb more solar radiation, so if you’re black, stop being that.

90. Go to the public pool and poop in it, claiming it all for yourself.

91. Be Aquaman. Failing that, befriend Aquaman. Failing that would be hard, because Aquaman has no friends.

92. The temperature’s way lower if you don’t know how Celsius works.

93. Succumb to fan death, the breeziest kind of death.

94. Drill holes in your head to let your brain cool off directly.

95. Who says the heat’s a bad thing? Turn it up with an enormous ambien-fueled orgy.

96. Take a family road trip to visit the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney.

97. Keep yourself hydrated with some good ol’ fashioned home-made Sasparilla. Wait, that’s a drink, right?

98. Stop wearing socks on your hands and penis.

99. Cold oatmeal baths: not just poison ivy victims.

100. Join the Tea Party, deny the existence of global warming, send all the anchor babies back to where they come from so this great country isn’t so damn crowded with undocumented foreigners.

101. Just chill out, man!!!

101 Lines to Immediately End a Date

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 13:34:00 -0400

There are certain things people say on first dates that let you know right away that it’s not going to work out. Here are 101 of them, in no particular order of date-ending-ness.

1. “It’s where my hands aren’t that you should really be worried about.”

2. “Where can I hang my fursuit?”

3. “If I were a Klansman, would I tell you that I was a Klansman?”

4. “After dinner I was thinking we could have a Blossom marathon in my Blossom room.”

5. “You down with the clown?”

6. “You’d be surprised how long a cat can survive without its legs.”

7. “They encourage you to eat the placemat.”

8. “People call me infantile, but my mother calls me adorable.”

9. “I want to meet your parents. Right. Now.”

10. “My parents are dead. Whoops, I misspoke; your parents are dead.”

11. “When the waiter comes by, I’ll show you my suplex.”

12. “You know, if you like this movie, you’ll love Delgo.”

13. “I don’t see marriage in my future, as I am already married to the sea.”

14. “I used to have so many more fingers, but my neighbor must have narced on my

stash.”

15. “Oh, so just because I’m racist, I’m Hitler all of a sudden?”

16. “Do you like my umbrella? It’s made of Jew’s skin.”

17. “I know this restaurant isn’t technically a buffet, but I’d like to see them stop me once I make it into the kitchen.”

18. “I’ve actually already seen this one, so if it’s okay, I’m just going to watch your face as you watch the movie.”

19. “I would just feel more comfortable if we carried out the entirety of the date via ICQ.”

20. “I’m definitely more of a dog person, if only because cats are so picky about the brands of peanut butter they’ll go after.”

21. “I’m not going to call you. You will be contacted.”

22. “I guess I was just expecting you to wear something a little more… elven.”

23. “Are those your only breasts?”

24. “Let’s go back to my place. I’m sorry, our place.”

25. “If I start to have a seizure tonight, it’s because the date’s going well.”

26. “The guys at work call me ‘Rain Man.’ I think it’s because I watch Rain Man over and over again.”

27. “Oh, I love to laugh! That’s what the nitrous tank is for.”

28. “My bones may be brittle, but my heart is twice as large as it’s supposed to be.”

29. “Yes I’m talking into an earpiece! No I wasn’t talking to you just then!”

30. “Lice: Got ‘em? Want ‘em?”

31. “Princeton penitentiary. Where did you think I meant?”

32. “I don’t work at the morgue, I just sleep there.”

33. “People say that there’s more than one way to skin a cat, but why change what

works?”

34. “Don’t worry, I’ll be a lot more fun once the MDMA kicks in.”

35. “I’m not usually like this, which is to say, clothed.”

36. “When it comes to music, I like anything but country, or songs made by black

people.”

37. “Frankly, I don’t know why you would ask me where I came from if you didn’t want

to see a pastel drawing I did of my mother’s vagina.”

38. “I just think it’s so screwed up that gay marriage has been legalized, but it’s illegal

to travel to China, kidnap a child from a crowded market, smuggle him back to the

States in your carry-on baggage, and then use him as an unpaid servant until his 18th

birthday.”

39. “Hey, do you think you could pick up the bill? Things have been a little tight ever

since I liquidated my assets to spread the word about the Rapture.”

40. “It’s funny that you mention Donald Trump, because he’s my ex-husband.”

41. “Oh, it’s just very mild herpes, the kind that goes away if you’re patient.”

42. “I don’t have a ‘job’ so much as a ‘quest for vengeance.’”

43. “You know Steve Buscemi? I’m his dad.”

44. “I created YouTube. Sorry, not YouTube, Spankwire.”

45. “I believe that children are our future. Sorry, not children, Spankwire.”

46. “It’s really more fun if we both pick at it.”

47. “Most people don’t find dogfighting to be ‘films’ in the artistic sense of the word,

but we’re working to change that.”

48. “I’d ask if you had room for dessert, but by the looks of things you clearly do.”

49. “My menstrual cycle has evolved to the point where I am basically at risk of spraying

vaginal blood like a lawn sprinkler at at any moment in time…whoop, there it goes

now.”

50. “Actually, my wife is okay with me dating, and so are my other two wives, and also

most of my husbands.”

51. “So, what’re we thinking tonight, base-wise?”

52. “I had a lovely time. Can I grope you goodnight?”

53. “You smell like you’re ovulating. Perfect.”

54. “Do you think you’d ever want kids? Because I know a guy.”

55. “Next.”

56. “It’s interesting that you say that about Tennyson, because I think that poetry is

totally gay.”

57. “I have a really good relationship with my sister. I mean a really. Good.

Relationship.”

58. “This is going to sound crazy, but MAHULAGABA RAGOOOOOOOMALALALALAL

SHABEEBEBEEBEBEBEBEEE SHABEEEEEE POOPOOPOPOPOPOPOPOOOPOOOOOOOOO

FLIZZZZZZZ SHEEP PEOPLE SHEEP PEOPLE SHEEP PEOPLE SHEEP PEOPLE.”

59. “And this is my court-ordered chaperone, Lucas.”

60. Will you excuse me? I have to go Tweet my dick at some bitches.”

61. “Marvin Gaye is good for setting the mood, and you can never go wrong with Barry

White; but I find that when I need to put on a record during love-making, nothing really

gets me going like Nixon talking about how much he hates the Jews.”

62. “I’m not gay or anything, but I did get gonorrhea from having sex with a man last

weekend.”

63. “Hey baby, that dress looks good on you, but it would look even better crumpled in

a heap on my floor, splattered with your blood.”

64. “Excuse me, this is a work call. [Answers phone] Yeah, that’s 25 for a handjob, 50

for a blowie, 100 all the way your choice.”

65. “Yeah, ‘Maude’ is pretty embarrassing, but it’s not as bad as my middle name:

‘Hitlerson’.”

66. “Oh, don’t worry about it, I’ll pick up the tab. It’s nothing compared to my mounting

dog fight gambling debts.”

67. “If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me in a court of law?”

68. “I love you. Sorry, not you, Spankwire.”

69. “How much do you want to bet I’ll score with our waitress?”

70. “You ever been martyred? Want to?”

71. “I dream of a day when guys like me don’t have to stalk someone like you for six

weeks just to have enough to talk about on their first date.”

72. “I live every day like it’s my last, so don’t be surprised if the cops surround the

building in a few minutes.”

73. “This is my MedicAlert bracelet, this is my court-ordered electronic anklet, and this

is an RFID ear tag from the Gorilla Foundation.”

74. “Ever been with a man with no penis? You won’t even know what you’re missing.

Well, you will.”

75. “My religious beliefs forbid me from using contraceptives, except for barbed
condoms.”

76. “You know what they say: ‘Boys will be boys.’ I therefore refuse to apologize for
shooting you in the eye with a slingshot.”

77. “I’m so horny right now. Not for sex or anything, though. Just, you know.”

78. “I’m pregnant. It’s yours. Ugh, blind dates are always so awkward.”

79. “Who’s your favorite Baldwin? Mine’s Stephen, but I think there’s a case to be made
for William, too. Don’t worry, I brought charts.”

80. “Oh, shoot, I gotta run home and grab something. It’ll only take a second, since I
live in the alley behind the restaurant.”

81. “That’s interesting that your brother is special-needs, because I do a really good
impression of a retarded person.”

82. “Anyway, the judge ruled that it was bestiality, and who am I to argue with a judge?”

83. “I don’t identify as a ‘Republican’ or ‘Democrat’ so much as I identify with Pol Pot.”

84. “I don’t mean to freak you out, but I did Google your name and look at your
Facebook before this date. I also jizzed on your pillow.”

85. “It’s just really refreshing to be going on a date that doesn’t end with Chris Hansen
appearing from behind the refrigerator and asking me to take a seat.”

86. “I love you, but like a brother. Don’t worry, I fuck my brother.”

87. “Black people: Don’t love ‘em.”

88. “I’m like the Mark McGwire of domestic abuse.”

89. “I’ve got a childlike sense of wonder, and also, a childlike sense of personal
boundaries.”

90. “Let’s take things slow: Hoooooooooooooooowwwwwww
wwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssss yyyyyyyyyyooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrr
dddddaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy?”

91. “My favorite movie is probably Silence of the Lambs, though I do think
they could have done a more accurate job re-creating my basement.”

92. “People who say that all artists are starving because all they can afford is Ramen

noodles have obviously not checked the price of dog food lately.”

93. “Oh, I’m sorry, did we say that we weren’t going to masturbate during dinner?”

94. “If you’re lucky, we can go back to my place and play a little game I like to call ‘Genital Wart or Ingrown Pubic Lice?”

95. “I’ve used every birthday wish since 1998 asking God to bring back Lilith Fair.”

96. “LARPing is just what some guys do when they can’t get erections in other ways.”

97. “Want a hit of this? It’s jenkem.”

98. “Gimme a sec, gotta do my evening heil.”

99. “This is my favorite Arby’s; you wouldn’t believe some of the shit I’ve done in the bathroom here.”

100. “Oh, I’m a paralegal. The clown make-up’s for my job as an escort.”

101. “Could you get any fatter? That’s not rhetorical, it’s a request.”

101 Movies Retitled in the Model of 'Bad Teacher'

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 12:02:00 -0400

Whoever came up with the title for Bad Teacher got it right: People like movies more when there’s absolutely no ambiguity about what they’re about. Here are 101 movies, retitled to give your brain a break.

Missing Fish
Tragic Newspaper Magnate
Transformable Robots
Athletic Dog
Horny Ballerinas
Flamboyant Pirates
Creepy Motel Owner
Spider-like Man
Actually-Dead Psychiatrist
Self-aware Spaceship Computer
Sophisticated Cannibal
Two Nicholas Cages
Magical Black Prisoner
Rural Talking Pig
Urban Talking Pig
Hat-Wearing Gangsters
Gay Lawyer
Be-Penised Irishwoman
Misogynistic Newsanchor
Nebbish Jew
Transvestite Dad-Nanny
Underdog Boxer
Persuadable Jurymen
Anthropomorphized Vehicles
Anthropomorphized Vehicles 2
Time-Traveling Stoners
Time-Traveling Robots
Time-Traveling Jacket-Wearer
Time-Traveling Ashton Kutcher
Smart-ass Janitor
Robotic Policeman
Aging Mafia Guy
Younger Mafia Guy
Mafia Guys
Schizophrenic Mathematician
Immortal Scotsman
Misanthropic Virgin
Escaped Monkey (1933)
Escaped Monkey (1976)
Escaped Monkey (2005)
Pregnant Hipster
Lesbian Moms
Doomed Bankrobber
Doomed Bankrobbers
Dead Patrick Swayze
Dead Bill Cosby
Hat-wearing Archaeologist
Anarchist Insomniac
Down-and-out Dockworker
Paraplegic Nazi Scientist
Not-racist Lawyer
Big Ol’ Shark
Jealous Composer
Singing Austrian Nanny
Singing English Nanny
Catatonic Lady-Boxer
Yelling Newsanchor
Minstrel Jew
Black Dinnerguest
Actually-Good Rwandan
Insane Ugandan
Gorilla Woman
Rat Chef
Unpregnant Romanian
Backwards Detective
Jew Saver
Retarded Murderer
Retarded Brother
Retarded World Traveler
Retarded Leonardo DiCaprio
Retarded Sean Penn
Retarded George W. Bush
Hungry Indian
Rebellious Scotsman
Rebellious New Englander
Uncorrupt Cop
Bank-Robbing Surfers
Unhinged Veteran
Savable Private
Coin-flipping Sociopath
Blaxploitation Cop
Sad Bjork
Young Antichrist
Conversational Celebrities
Vengeful Bride
Hockey Golfer
One of Each Kind of Highschooler
Horny Pact-Makers
Struggling Rapper
Machete Guy
Funny Doctor
Facebook Maker
Sally-Meeting Harry
Italian Lawyer
Nipple Batman
Eventually-Rabid Golden Retriever
Barefoot Cop
Yelling Oil Magnate
Amnesiac Secret Agent
Amnesiac Space Secret Agent
Nutty Professor

101 Members of Congress Who Should be Worried in the Wake of the Anthony Weiner Penis Scandal

Mon, 20 Jun 2011 11:13:00 -0400

Benjamin Closetgay
Jebediah Slaveowner
Allison Cumstain
Larry Joseph Klansman
Mitch McMethdealer
Orrin Holocaust-Denier
Jon Kylda-Stripper
Timmothy Buttplug
Bette Ondogfighting
John Barbrawl
Jeff Hungaman
Roy Blunt
Diana DeDungeonmaster
Steven T. Childbride
Randy Nwordtattoo
Jose Cakefart
Jon Huntedandkilledaman
Dick Cheese
Michael Fetushockey
Jefferson T. Kidneysalesman
Alexander McPedophile
Josiah Bieberstalker
Kenneth Gloryhole
Barbara P. Mouthtoilet
Judd Bloodmatzoh
Jerome P. Leatherlover
Eleanor Queef
Tyler Black-Lovechild
Rebecca Babyseller
Patrick Snufffilm
Gregory Gaycruise
Vanessa B. Sekscult
Otto Fellator
Cynthia Saysjap
Armando Flasher
Jay Marriedtosister
Dorothy Clitoris
Mommar Qaddafi
Eleanor Holmes Intaxhavens
Rod Fister
Veronica Hasa Wang
Chuck Satanist
G. K. Hitlerson
Frank LeBlowjob
Louise Slaughter
Gennifer Ladypenis
Alexei Dracula
Roderick Goochpiercing
Timothy Gook
Milton Hootersbaby
Cynthia Bondagemask
Larry Tits-Groper
Tim Cannibal
Chris Smegma
Elijah E. Cummings
Vivian A. Donkeyshow
Chester Drugmule
Douglas Jailbait
Erika Vagina-Dentata
Rik Amistad
Veronica Jihad
Wally Meatspin
Pete Antichrist
Christine Banksy
Mario Ballart
Jess Blumpkin
Colleen Quaaludes
Madeleine Z. Bordello
Gary Footjob
Joe Treason
Tipper Dogbuttlik
Christopher A. Coons
Vincent P. Naziuniform
Kay Peepshow
Tom Gayscoutmaster
Hansen Zodiac
Olympia Snowball
George Macaca
Blanche Trampstamp
Francisco Cantread
W. A. R. Prophetier
Craig Faggot
Langdon Cockslap
Phu Trans Wang
Cybersex O’Brian
Louise Buttsmuggler
Arthur L. Eagly-Park
Skeleton M. Closet
Bill Clinton Nixon
Teapot Dome
Steve Stabbers
Deborah Ada Condor
John K. Cornhole
Oscar Robot
Shelley Moore Dildos
Russell Trombone
Armando Flasher
Kendall Jizzumhat
Boo Kaki
Frederick C. Roofieman
John Boehner

101 Jokes About the Man Who Stole Milk from Walmart While Dressed as a Cow

Thu, 16 Jun 2011 00:28:00 -0400

A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume…

He would have gotten away, but he was spotted.
If convicted, the man has said that he will try to get the ruling overturned on a-veal.
Police have not released a moo-tive.
Neighbors who knew the suspect say that his arrest is an udder surprise.
Police have the probability that the culprit is not the suspect in custody at 2%.
An on-duty cop saw the cow with the milk and knew something wasn’t kosher.
He will only be charged with stealing 13 gallons, however, as milk was on sale for calf off.
The suspect claims that the whole thing was masterminded by an older man in a chicken costume, but police caution that this is likely a cock and bull story.
Responsibility for the theft has been taken by Al-Cowda.
Jail time is possible, but it’s more likely the culprit will just get com-moo-nity service.
Police have booked him at the station and are sending him to the highest-security prison for such crimes: Alfalfatraz.
You would think that the female greeter would have seen the man walk out the store, but he went right pasteurize.
The culprit said he would have paid for the milk, but he forgot to bring moolah.
A representative for Kirstie Alley declined to comment.
He will be charged with one count of larceny, and one count of moo-der in the first degree.
Though the man confessed to the crime when apprehended by police, the confession will never hold in court, as the cops forgot to read him his moo-randa rights.
It is unclear whether the man will be charged in Virginia, where the crime was committed, or in his home state of Cowifornia.
Though the man initially made it out of the store, he was spotted by police cruisers in his getaway car, a Cattleac.
A representative for Lady Gaga says it was all a big misunderstanding and shooting for the “Judas” video will resume on Monday.
No one has come forward to identify the man, because the witnesses have all been cowed into silence.
In other news, Chik-fil-A will have a special on milk today and tomorrow at participating locations.
The cops won’t go so far as to say that the suspect was resisting arrest, but to get him into the cop car certainly took some prodding.
Police say that the theft was personally motivated, as apparently the suspect and the manager of the Walmart had some kind of beef.
When asked whether the man had in fact been dressed as a cow-buffalo hybrid, investigators responded, “No, he was wholly cow.”
When asked why how he got out of the store without paying for the milk, the man replied that he simply went through the lane for “15 Items or Mooer.”
A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume. The suspect was arraigned in court for a moo-ving violation.
It wasn’t clear whether the man would be able to scrap enough money together to post bail, but relatives were bullish about his prospects.
A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume. Strange, but not as strange when you hear that the next day, a cow was arrested after stealing 26 gallons of urine while dressed in a human costume at the same Walmart.
A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume. In his defense, it was 5:30 PM on a Thursday, so it was a real zoo in there.
A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume. He was a single father just trying to feed his infant daughter, who has leukemia.
His attorneys asked for leniency due to his family situation, but the jury wasn’t moo-ved.
It is still unclear whether the man will fined, jailed, or force-fed to the point of his stomach exploding, brutally slaughtered without warning, and then made into an industrial adhesive.
As a U.S. citizen he has the right to an attorney, and if he cannot afford an attorney, a shitload of cud.
This makes him the most classily-dressed person to ever get arrested in a Walmart.
The perpetrator was caught fleeing from the crime scene; he would have drove a car, but he didn’t have the balls to steer.
The man will be expected to pay back the cost of 26 gallons of milk at Walmart, or $4.13.
Also yesterday, Walmart was arrested for being a shitty company that pays horrible wages and treats its employees like dirt.
When reached for comment, the man’s wife said “Mooooooooooooooooooo.”
In other news, Lindsay Lohan bought a black-and-white polka dot dress in Washington D.C. two days ago and hasn’t been seen since.
The man was actually trying to steal more milk, but on the 27th gallon he became violently ill and threw up everywhere.
And economists say the recovery isn’t going well!
Some say the man will move on quickly from the attention this incident will undoubtedly bring him, but something tells me he’s going to milk it for all it’s worth.
Some say that the man must have been aided by an accomplice also dressed as a cow, though investigators don’t suspect anyone Elsie.
Some can’t understand why he didn’t have a getaway car in the parking lot, but those people have clearly never seen a cattle drive.
When asked how much he thought the 28 gallons of milk cost, the man confessed that he wasn’t sure, as he was never very good at cowculus.
He is currently being held in the bull-pen.
Manager Jim Riggleman said Livan is not expected to miss his next start.
A Pew/Gallup poll has him tied with Donald Trump for the Republican nomination.
PETA threw a party, mistakenly assuming the day of animal rebellion had finally come.
His coworkers reported that recently he had been acting very moody.
The cops captured him fairly easily though, as they already had the Walmart on steakout.
He faces up to 6 months in prison with time off for good be-hay-vior.
Fortunately, the theft took place at one of the first Super Walmarts in America, and the old McDonald’s had a farm.
The police of Stafford County have apologized to Justice Scalia and offered to reimburse him for the rips in his tuxedo caused by the arrest.
Citizens of the town agreed that this was the lamest act of Rumspringa of all time.
The suspect is in custody and will report to moonicipal court first thing Monday morning.
The cops caught the man just as he was about to hoof it out of there.
He was caught hesitating in front of a confusing pattern of white and black lines near the exit.
When asked whether the policemen’s shots hit any customers during the arrest, the manager replied, “No, but one was grazed.”
The suspect is currently in prison, where he has better healthcare and makes more money than any employee of Walmart.
Currently in prison, he is bunking with 75 other men, all leaning ever so gently against each other and sleeping on their feet.
He was spotted and turned in by a disgruntled waitress, who also reported that he didn’t tip very well.
Experts say the Virginia police force would have pulled him over sooner had the culprit stolen chocolate milk.
The suspect tried to lay low for a while, but really, where can a cow hide?
For an attorney, the cow is expected to hire his cousin, Gloria Allred.
Walmart workers originally called the police for public indecency, as this was the first time in the store’s history that a cow had entered a Walmart not wearing humongous jean overalls.
In response, the Department for Homeland Security has raised the national threat level to “undulated.”
Reached for comment, a local cattle rancher said, “Well, shit, and just when I can’t afford to lose one of my girls to jury duty.”
Usually the manager of this Walmart likes a good joke, but on this day he wasn’t in the moo-ed.
Walmart is expected to beef up its security in response.
Legal experts put the odds of the man getting off without jail time at half and half.
Internal records show that he consistently received better performance reviews than female cows in the same position.
Police are still ruminating about a possible motive.
The suspect claims that it’s a case of misteaken identity.
Luckily, no one was herd.
Some witnesses report that the man was joined by an accomplice in a chicken costume, though police have no reason to suspect fowl play.
When asked why he needed 26 gallons of milk, the man replied, “Governor Christie has poison ivy.”
Incidentally, this is also the title of the next Fiona Apple album.
When asked if local residents were frightened by the crime, one woman responded, “Who’s afraid of a Virginia Cow?”
A police spokesman said, “Look, we’re not pointing any fingers, but Bob McDonnell has a farm.”
Local residents called the use of an animal disguise “cowardly”.
Which is funny, because I thought “The Tom Green Show” was canceled years ago.
A rights group is claiming police abuse after a prison officer pushed the suspect over while he was sleeping.
Haynesworth is not expected to miss the first day of training camp, however.
Given the man’s fragile mental state, experts expect the defendant to plead mad cow.
That may sound like a lot of milk for one man to hold, but not when you consider that he also stole three double-door refrigerators.
The Virginia State Police reported that the culprit had been apprehended, and also that he was “delicious once you added enough tabasco.”
Police aren’t sure why he stole so much, as there was plenty of milk available in the calf-eteria.
And while the man in question did steal a lot of milk, it should be noted that he had given up acting like a huge jackass for Lent, so it had been a while .
Though multiple witnesses report clearly seeing a human in a bovine outfit, police spokesmen, unable to discuss the specifics of a pending case, insist that they don’t have a cow-man.
An accomplice was arraigned on charges of lactating and abetting.
Police admitted that this was better than a man dressed in a robber costume stealing money from a bank.
He would have gotten away, but the cops quickly put out an all points bull-etin.
His failure to get away with the crime will likely go down as one of history’s greatest cow-a-bungles.
Later that day, a man stole 26 gallons of milk from a Whole Foods store while dressed in a grass-fed cow costume.
He was sent to jail after police discovered that he had also been carrying 4 ounces of grass.
The man was not stopped at the door because, in a cost cutting measure, Walmart’s security team had been put out to pasture.
The cashier who refused to ring up the man’s purchases has been criticized for his lactose intolerance.
For the employees, it was the only bright spot in a day filled with drudgery and despair.
When asked why he preferred to steal from Walmart, the man replied, “good branding.”
He’s in cudstody.